The 2018 Academy awards have come and gone. Shape of Water took home the award for Best Picture.
While some critics may not agree with the selection I believe the choice was obvious and that the film
may have found the perfect algorithm for creating Oscar winning films. Taking a look at its competition
from this year you’ll note what the other films were missing.
Darkest Hour – The film that won Gary Oldman an Oscar for best actor for his portrayal of Winston
Churchill. The year is 1940 and Churchill must decide whether to negotiate with Adolf Hitler or fight on knowing it could mean an embarrassing defeat for Britain. You know what he didn’t have to decide on though? Whether or not to have sex with a fish. Thus the Oscar committee decided not to give the film an Oscar.
Dunkirk – An epic tale of allied forces evacuating Dunkirk beach while being surrounded and attacked by German forces. You know what is more epic though? Fish sex and given the amount of time that was
spent in water you would have think that would have been easy to add into this film. Sadly, the viewer is left disappointed.
Get Out – A black man who uncovers a disturbing secret when he meets the family of his white
girlfriend. Is the disturbing secret that his girlfriend is sleeping with a fish? (Spoiler alert: It’s not)
Ladybird - A coming-of- age story of a high-school senior and her turbulent relationship with her mother. Since the girl in this movie is 17 I don’t think I’m allowed to comment on the lack of fish sex. Oh wait, I just did. Damn, moving on…..
Phantom Thread - Set in 1950's London, Reynolds Woodcock is a renowned dressmaker whose
fastidious life is disrupted by a young, strong-willed woman, Alma, who becomes his muse and lover.
This would have been the perfect challenger to Shape of Water…had Alma been a fish, but since she’s
not Phantom Thread can take a seat with the other losers.
The Post - The Post depicts the true story of attempts by journalists at The Washington Post to publish
the Pentagon Papers, classified documents regarding the 30-year involvement of the United States
government in the Vietnam War. It also stars Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep. You know what it doesn’t
star though? Any type of amphibian creature. Had there been an intimate scene involving Tom Hanks,
Meryl Streep, and a fish you better believe this would have won every Academy award there is to win
including best foreign language film. I assume fish moaning would qualify it in the foreign language
category. Alas, no fish appear in this film. Guess they didn’t want to win any Oscars.
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri - A mother personally challenges the local authorities to solve her daughter's murder when they fail to catch the culprit. For Gods sake Woody Harrelson is the main actor. Fans have been clamoring for him to have a fish sex scene ever since he was Woody the bartender on Cheers. Hopefully, he’ll be cast in Shape of Water 2: Swimming Upstream. Maybe then he can get that Oscar to place on his shelf to hide his non-medicinal marijuana.
Call Me by Your Name - In 1980s Italy, a romance blossoms between a seventeen year-old student and
the older man hired as his father's research assistant. I’m not even gonna touch this one.
Shape of Water – Finally, our Oscar winner. The director has cracked the code. Woman + fish + naughty parts = Oscar gold.
There you go Hollywood, you can thank me later. In the form of a royalty check. Paypal address will be
posted next week.